Fallout: Equestria - Chromercs Tales

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ThatGuyFromThatPlace
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Fallout: Equestria - Chromercs Tales

Postby ThatGuyFromThatPlace » Fri May 18, 2012 8:35 am

Well, I wanted to release the Prologue + the first 3 chapters, but I'm way too anxious to do that :pipshrug:
Anyway, this is the Prologue of my side-fic, Chromercs Tales (The title is not "official" yet, but since I can't think of anything better than this, so be it).
I wanted to know what you guys think. I'm not really good at explaining things, so here it is the link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18am ... rRgp4/edit

sargecadet
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Re: Fallout: Equestria - Chromercs Tales

Postby sargecadet » Sat May 19, 2012 3:00 pm

Well, the premise seems interesting. However, I have a few problems with this.

First off, verb tenses. Present tense and past tense verbs in the narration floating around at the same time are... confusing. And messy. Bad tense issues bug me, and if they bug me they'll probably bug your other readers also.

Second, he saved the wasteland. Is this set before or after the original fic? Either way, saving the entire wasteland from destruction is a huge thing. Then again, there also isn't much to save in the wasteland, since it is a crapsack world that sucks. However, one pony saving pretty much all of the Equestrian Wasteland singlehoofedly is a huge (and I mean really, really huge) claim, and there needs to be a very co Peking plot to back up that chain of events. If you can pull that off believably, then you would be my literary hero forever.

Third, the Grand Pegasus Enclave. Two questions: Is this before the Enclave invasion in the original FO:E? Also, are these the normal Enclave or the Hoofington type? This regional difference is very important because, if I'm correct, the two types are at odds with each other. Also, I have trouble with the idea of an Enclave historian trying to learn from the Enclave's enemies. The Enclave usually seems to take the "winners write history" approach and from this prologue it sure doesn't look like Ace won (if I'm way off on this, please tell me).

Finally, Stables. Stables as a starting place bug me. They bug me because almost EVERY fic starts there. When your main character is an escaped/exiled/surviving former Stable pony your originality factor takes a nosedive.
Don't get me wrong, Stables are an okay framing device and I have nothing against the Stables in the original fic. The problem is that every writer wants to write the next (or previous) LittlePip. LP was an awesome character, but not every character can be awesome in the same way. Murky Number Seven has a great main character who, from what I've read, is not a wasteland badass, and is definitely not from a Stable. BlackJack from Project Horizons annoyed me while I was reading it for exactly this reason (I'm gonna get so much crap for this...). BJ is a wasteland badass messiah character from a Stable who, in my opinion, seems like a darker, edgier, angstier version of LittlePip (again, just my opinion. I mean no offense to Somber or to seem like I'm bashing his hard work). And that bothers me. I don't want your character to bother me.
There is nothing wrong with Stables and badassness. The problem is when every character in every sidefic is a Stable-born badass messiah gunslinger unicorn.

Please don't be discouraged by what I've written. I'm no expert on writing fan-fics (I'm only writing my first one right now) and by no means only listen to my opinion. These are just some things I've noticed in FO:E fics that I've seen patterns of. Don't change (or worse, throw away) your ideas from what I've said. Please keep writing. If you can pull this off, my hat goes off to you. I'm looking forward to the story of Ace and the Chromercs. Good luck!
Read my story, FO:E Honest Herds, here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30307/Fallout%3A-Equestria%3A-Honest-Herds
Shoot me a message and tell me what you think!

ThatGuyFromThatPlace
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Re: Fallout: Equestria - Chromercs Tales

Postby ThatGuyFromThatPlace » Sat May 19, 2012 6:19 pm

Okay, let's see...

1) The verb tense issue. Someone (I can't really remember who, but he was in the IRC Chat) already pointed that out to me. I'm planning on giving it a look as soon as possible (Probably tonight).

2) It is set before the original FoE. It starts around 40 and ends around 30 years before. And about the "Saving all of the Wasteland" thing, he was not alone, but his friends either died or abandoned him along the way (Or so he claims). However, I can't guarantee it will sound, as you said, believably.

3) These are the "Normal" Enclave, and I'm still not sure If I plan to use the PH view of things entirely, since It's not still finished. But surely lots of things, like the Hoofington beeing a dreadful place, and (I still don't know, since I did not asked permition yet) a possible quick appearance of Rampage. I admit that this part is still "in construction". Heavywings, the Enclave historian (And maybe a Council member, but I'm still not sure about it) isn't the normal kind of Enclave. How do I say that....he does share the "Pegasi were dragged to the war and suffered because of the other ponies, so they have all the right to abandom the other ponies" point of view, but he's convinced that History is something that should be analysed by all points of view. I don't know if you understand what I mean (If not, feel free to ask more). Oh, and I think it is a little early to assume Ace lost, since he is still alive (For now at least...)

4)I agree with you so much, you wouldn't believe. Seriously. Stables ARE extremely cliché (I think that's the word. I mean overused). But, unfortunally, I can't avoid this Originality Nosedive. And I must agree (again) with you, that every writer wants to "shape" the next LittlePip. But that's something most of us can't avoid. I mean (And, strangely, I was thinking about the phrase I'm about to use, a few weeks ago), stories are written about the great, those who made something undeniably amazing. Of course, there are exception, but that's what I think. Although I'm still reading the Project Horizons (Chapter 34), I can't agree nor disagree with your comparison BJ and LP. But I won't discuss it here. And about Ace being a "badass wastelander", he is, most definitly, NOT. Not until it gets close to the end, at least. I don't want to spoil it, but he'll be like a "Companion" of the Fallout series in the beginning. (If you really wish a detailed explanation, and you're not afraid of spoilers, send me a PM asking about it :D)


Don't worry about discouraging (Is that even a word?) me, actually it really helps when people comment/criticize like you did. If I have anything to say at all to you, it is "Thank you" :D

sargecadet
Posts: 34
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:27 am
Location: Currently between wastelands
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Re: Fallout: Equestria - Chromercs Tales

Postby sargecadet » Mon May 21, 2012 3:52 pm

Well, good luck on your writing! I look forward to reading more of it.
Read my story, FO:E Honest Herds, here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30307/Fallout%3A-Equestria%3A-Honest-Herds
Shoot me a message and tell me what you think!


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