Rare dual eye-coloration, seductive power on a zebra, a bit heavy handed on the plot. She gets gifted with strange plot device pegasus and questions whether to tell or not to tell those she would kill for but half a day ago. Strange, considering the pegasus ponies i know would stab you in the back for such mercy.
Can`t comment extensively due to the low word-count. I would suggest upping that to at least 6000 words, and make a proper chapter, that has more purpose other than shoveling a plot device in the way of our seductive heroic zebra mare with a sue eye-condition.
The best way to get away with the sue eye-condition is. TO NOT BAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT. Maybe have some particular characters with eye for detail or her commenting on it, rather than having her be self narcissistic about it.
A place for writers to gather and discuss their craft.
Being evil is not the same as being heartless.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests