Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereader(s)

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Cariion
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Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereader(s)

Postby Cariion » Sat May 05, 2012 11:57 pm

So, I have written up a prologue for an idea I have for a side-story, and would like to see any interest level in this, and if anyone is interested, editor(s) and/or pre-reader(s).

If you want to give any feedback (don't be gentle, I have a tough hide when it comes to criticism) please post it here or PM it to me, whichever you prefer. Thanks to anyone that reads, and I hope you enjoy it:

Prologue
Chapter 1
Last edited by Cariion on Sat May 12, 2012 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sargecadet
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby sargecadet » Sun May 06, 2012 9:30 am

I liked it. The premise seems interesting and the prose sounds clean and natural. If I'm understanding it right, New Oatleans is a city that accepts both zebras and ponies, and has a mostly working economy (correct me if I'm wrong). The Remnant is alive and well and is carrying out retribution missions(?), so that's interesting.
What bothered me a little bit, however, is that since the narrator was playing a part the whole time we don't get to learn a lot about her (but I'm guessing that more will be revealed in later chapters, right?). Also, why exactly did the Remnant want that buck dead? Also, I'm a bit confused by the level up at the end of the prologue for two reasons:
1. Why is there a level up at the end of the PROLOGUE instead of chapter one?
2. I'm assuming the main character is not new to combat and assassination. If so, why is she is starting at level one?

But that's just me nitpicking. Overall, I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work!
Read my story, FO:E Honest Herds, here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30307/Fallout%3A-Equestria%3A-Honest-Herds
Shoot me a message and tell me what you think!

Cariion
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby Cariion » Sun May 06, 2012 5:25 pm

You would be correct in your assumption about New Oatleans, it is a city with both a zebra and pony population, and a mostly stable economy. You are also correct about the Remnant there.
Correct, Shayl will be fleshed out much more in the next chapters, I purposely kept her mysterious to this point. And the vagueness of the Remnant's reasoning for killing the buck will be explained as well.

As for the level up, I added it last night after believing I had forgotten it as a part of the story (I was tired and spaced that level ups don't usually occur in these stories until after ch. 1, my bad).
And that is a very good point, thank you for pointing it out.

And thank you for the feedback!

sargecadet
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby sargecadet » Mon May 07, 2012 7:15 am

You're welcome! I look forward to see how your story progresses.
Read my story, FO:E Honest Herds, here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30307/Fallout%3A-Equestria%3A-Honest-Herds
Shoot me a message and tell me what you think!

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NitoKa
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby NitoKa » Mon May 07, 2012 7:52 am

I really like it! I wouldn't mind being a prereader. Editor is impossible unless you want me to point out very small mistakes, which I seem really good at. I've found errors like that in finaldrafts of stories from Heroes to Project Horizons (although they are very small and far from each other.) but I know I'll be reading this story indefinantly when you get chapter 1 out.

Cariion
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby Cariion » Mon May 07, 2012 11:50 am

Awesome! I'll be sure to get you a link to Ch.1 when I get it finished, thanks a bunch! And even pointing out little things would be excellent, every bit helps!

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NitoKa
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby NitoKa » Mon May 07, 2012 12:08 pm

You made one small mistake. In the beginning, you used : instead of ; that's all.

Cariion
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby Cariion » Sat May 12, 2012 2:06 pm

First post updated with Chapter 1, completely unedited except for my own re-read. Let me know what you guys think, and provide any constructive criticism you all have. And please enjoy!

sargecadet
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Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby sargecadet » Sun May 13, 2012 8:48 am

I like chapter 1. The main character is funny and a bit quirky. I enjoy the leaning on the fourth wall aspect of the narration, but I think it's important to remember to only use that in moderation. New Oatleans has a school system? I wasn't expecting anything like that in the wasteland, but that doesn't make it bad. I noticed one instance where you forgot to capitalize "Remnant" and that set off my consistency alarm.

That
Spoiler: show
loud noises handicap is going to become a plot point later on, right? After all, the FO:E universe is filled with Chekovs... everythings, and the Law of Conservation of Detail makes this look like it should show up again later.


I like the
Spoiler: show
"pegasi as a myth"
thing. I think that could be interesting...

Overall, an enjoyable first chapter. I expect that I'm going to like the rest of it also if it stays as good as this. :D
Read my story, FO:E Honest Herds, here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30307/Fallout%3A-Equestria%3A-Honest-Herds
Shoot me a message and tell me what you think!

Cariion
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat May 05, 2012 9:04 am
Status: Offline

Re: Checking for interest and looking for editor(s)/prereade

Postby Cariion » Sun May 13, 2012 8:31 pm

sargecadet wrote:I like chapter 1. The main character is funny and a bit quirky. I enjoy the leaning on the fourth wall aspect of the narration, but I think it's important to remember to only use that in moderation. New Oatleans has a school system? I wasn't expecting anything like that in the wasteland, but that doesn't make it bad. I noticed one instance where you forgot to capitalize "Remnant" and that set off my consistency alarm.

I'm glad you like it, and thank you for pointing this out for me!
That
Spoiler: show
loud noises handicap is going to become a plot point later on, right? After all, the FO:E universe is filled with Chekovs... everythings, and the Law of Conservation of Detail makes this look like it should show up again later.

Spoiler: show
Yes, it will show up in the future, and at a few parts will play a rather large part of what happens

I like the
Spoiler: show
"pegasi as a myth"
thing. I think that could be interesting...

Spoiler: show
Thank you, I thought it might make some sense since pegasi appear to be rather rare within the Wasteland for most stories I've read.

Overall, an enjoyable first chapter. I expect that I'm going to like the rest of it also if it stays as good as this. :D

Thank you very much sargecadet! I hope I can continue to provide an entertaining story!


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