Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

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Kashin
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Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Kashin » Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:28 am

I know I said I wouldn't post Flankorage before the main story concluded, but I'm no Applejack and I got impatient.
Feedback would be highly appreciated. This is my first story and the more feedback I get the better I can be in the future.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14

OF Tumbler

Official Apology/Preview for 9's Delay
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Last edited by Kashin on Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:27 pm, edited 23 times in total.
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Operation Flankorage.

AMARDA
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby AMARDA » Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:46 am

here

Code: Select all

[url=https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BeL-6SzWEySbNBFtO3V_nNv3RdRPC3TBbQDvlANBzY0/edit]here[/url]



Copy that code and you have what you want.
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Damhoof
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Damhoof » Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:01 am

HEHE security reference.


Great chapter though.
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otherunicorn
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby otherunicorn » Tue Nov 01, 2011 7:47 am

A few times you have sentence structure problems. For example, here you have bullets bouncing around in a skull, then collapsing on the floor. I think you want the pony to collapse, don't you XD.
You:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull before collapsing in a twisted, metal heap."
Better:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull. He instantly collapsed in a twisted, metal heap."
or:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull, causing him to collapse in a twisted, metal heap."

Another bad one:
"Their leader was arguing with a black and blond, unicorn mare with an eye on her flank through a shattered window."

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Nightmare Luna
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Nightmare Luna » Tue Nov 01, 2011 10:59 am

Not a bad start at all. But like otherunicorn said the sentence structure is a bit off in place's. The example's given by otherunicorn as the one's I noticed.

But I look forward to reading more!
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Kashin
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Kashin » Tue Nov 01, 2011 12:24 pm

Wow. I had three proofreaders and none of us noticed those. Thanks, fixing.
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Operation Flankorage.

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Pinkie Pie!
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Pinkie Pie! » Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:09 pm

good story, looking forward to more!
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Artemiev
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Artemiev » Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:23 pm

Well, that was certainly entertaining. Though I think the invading raiders died a little too easy =P.

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The Jack
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby The Jack » Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:43 am

Lodidodidoo.... *adds another story to the to read list*
I'm going to have a shitload to do once I finish the set of mandatory maths problem today.
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Kashin
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

Postby Kashin » Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:11 am

The Jack wrote:I'm going to have a shitload to do once I finish the set of mandatory maths problem today.

I'm sorry, but I must.
Don't you use your fancy mathematics to muddy the issue.
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Operation Flankorage.


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