Fallout Equestria: Heroes

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No One
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Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby No One » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:40 am

somepony told me to join this forum. And so I did. I am No One. I wrote a story called Heroes. I figured i'd post it here, to see what you all thought. And ask how you all think I can approve.

Heroes: Inspired by the heroics of the mysterious mare known as the Stable Dweller, Silver Storm, a guard of the town of Marefort, decides to go on a daring mission to rescue her captured brother. Of course things rarely go as planned and her attempts at heroism drags her into a tangled web of plots and conspiracies as warring factions vie for control over the last great city: Dise.

Gdocs Prologue.

Fimfictions All Chapters


So woohoo. tear me a new one, or what have you. :pipshrug:

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otherunicorn
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby otherunicorn » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:54 am

Welcome. I'm sure I've read some of your stuff. I'll have to go back for a refresher.

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The Jack
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby The Jack » Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:51 am

Welcome!=D

This is actually one of the stories already on top of my "Fo:E sidestories to read" list. xD
I just haven't gotten that far yet :3
Fallout: Equestria; Aqua Pura; viewtopic.php?f=17&t=107

Avatar gif created by NadiaRodriguez on Deviantart.

Artemiev
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby Artemiev » Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:25 pm

O hai, No One! Argus still thinks you're bro, lolz.

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No One
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby No One » Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:10 pm

otherunicorn wrote:Welcome. I'm sure I've read some of your stuff. I'll have to go back for a refresher.


I find when reading things again I pick up on stuff I missed the first time. Also, have you? I assumed few people had read it.

The jack wrote:Welcome!=D

This is actually one of the stories already on top of my "Fo:E sidestories to read" list. xD
I just haven't gotten that far yet :3


Thanks! Thats what I like to hear! Cause I Like ego boosts.

O hai, No One! Argus still thinks you're bro, lolz.


me and Argus are tight, yo.

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otherunicorn
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby otherunicorn » Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:18 am

No One wrote:
otherunicorn wrote:Welcome. I'm sure I've read some of your stuff. I'll have to go back for a refresher.


I find when reading things again I pick up on stuff I missed the first time. Also, have you? I assumed few people had read it.


You are right. I've not seen this before, though I am familiar with that picture.
Here are a few errors I picked up. You regularly use "then" instead of "than". "then" is used in sequencing events. "than" is used when comparing.

>“Smaller then your head, and further away too,”
“Smaller than your head, and further away too.”

>I tired to comfort Wildfire
I tried to comfort Wildfire

>more then a bit of a fool.
more than a bit of a fool.

>more good as a fool then I ever had.
more good as a fool than I ever had.

>Some Ponies said I never paid attention
Some ponies said I never paid attention

>“Say, what did you brother look like?”
“Say, what did your brother look like?”

>He was taller then most
He was taller than most

>My brother; and he was killing
My brother: and he was killing

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No One
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby No One » Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:31 am

Then and than. Ahhh yes. We meet again. Always have been the bane of my existance but I shall look to that in the future. its going on my list.

Any comments as per the story itself there?

Edit: Ah yes the picture. Its very lovely and totally awesome. So worth it.

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otherunicorn
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby otherunicorn » Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:11 am

Still working on it.

>It had taken a few hours trot to the cliffs leading to Stable 42. Two high cliffs with a skinny ravine cut in between leading to the door, that lead to the door that lead to the old stable. Above the cliff, the stable was nestled in was a small guard house not too dissimilar to my old haunt. It overlooked the only viable path to the Crimson Hoof headquarters.

It had taken a few hours trot to the cliffs leading to Stable 42. Two high cliffs with a skinny ravine cut in between lead to the door that lead to the old stable. Above the cliff the stable was nestled in was a small guard house not too dissimilar to my old haunt. It overlooked the only viable path to the Crimson Hoof headquarters.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby No One » Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:16 am

otherunicorn wrote:Still working on it.

>It had taken a few hours trot to the cliffs leading to Stable 42. Two high cliffs with a skinny ravine cut in between leading to the door, that lead to the door that lead to the old stable. Above the cliff, the stable was nestled in was a small guard house not too dissimilar to my old haunt. It overlooked the only viable path to the Crimson Hoof headquarters.

It had taken a few hours trot to the cliffs leading to Stable 42. Two high cliffs with a skinny ravine cut in between lead to the door that lead to the old stable. Above the cliff the stable was nestled in was a small guard house not too dissimilar to my old haunt. It overlooked the only viable path to the Crimson Hoof headquarters.


Actually this done on pourpose. You see Silver is not, as you would say, a smart pony and seeing as she is narrating it'd hard to believe she's not so bright if she didn't make a mistake every once in a while.

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otherunicorn
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Heroes

Postby otherunicorn » Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:21 am

That's only valid between quotes! "I can stuff up as much as I like in here!!" but not out here!


>He took the blue bullets, he killed my brother.

Shouldn't that be "mother??

>BrightFlame was maimed and only had one leg

A one legged horse????
Last edited by otherunicorn on Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:31 am, edited 1 time in total.


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